Suffering from Reality (and simple things to do about it)

The Universe.

Sigmund Freud, c. 1921. Photo: Wikipedia.

One night, when I was ten years old, I gazed out my bedroom window into the endless dark and fell headlong into the existential abyss. I crawled under my covers, overcome with the stark reality of Reality, and burst into tears.  I sobbed and I wailed- who knows for how long but it seemed like forever.  No one checked in on me, no one cared; this proved my suspicions. Finally, the door opened a crack. The outline of my mother’s dark hair appeared in the doorway.

"What is the problem now? You’re supposed to be asleep." 

“I’m alone in the universe,” I cried. 
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"Oh, for Christ's sake, we all are. Now stop blubbering and go to sleep.” The door snapped shut, leaving me once again alone in the dark.  Now to the wife of a bed-ridden alcoholic, mother of three children and sole breadwinner, my place in the universe must have seemed inconsequential to her.  But to me, it was the root of all my budding neuroses. I had been deprived once again of a mother's reassuring embrace to buffer me from the stark truth of solitary existence.  Had she dropped the laundry basket or hung up the phone on the police who were calling once again about my older brother, she might have sat on the edge of my bed and whispered the words of comfort I so longed to hear.  Words like she would always be there in my heart and there was a loving God who would never desert me.  Even Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny might have worked.

I’ve spent the better part of my adult life looking for someone make up for what I didn’t get as a child - to caress my forehead, tell me not to worry then kiss me goodnight.  If Freud was right in his theory of "repetition compulsion" this is not an unusual condition (According to the "PsychologyDictionary.org," a "repetition compulsion is a psychoanalytic term for the tendency to repeat past behavior and, more narrowly, to relive disturbing experiences.")  As per my compulsion to repeat, it's taken me the better part of my adult life to learn that no one on the earth can undo the past (although I do still take a stab at it from time to time.) No one can turn back the clock – that’s like trying to feed a starving person enough food to make up for years and years of deprivation.  She can only feed herself today, now, in the present, until her stomach is full.  Staying in the present, not getting overwhelmed with the past, is a good way to start the process of self-care and self-soothing.

I’m very lucky to have a partner who tucks me in at night but he’s not always around- sometimes traveling, sometimes writing, watching Kung-Fu movies or listening to his Chakra music.  When I’m alone in my bed, with just myself, facing that dark window, I trick my ten-year-old self back away from the black hole of depression using several strategies I’ve found helpful.
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 First, I talk to myself out loud.  Yes, out loud. I might read something light like Dr. Seuss or “Don Quixote,” (although that’s a hefty tome for a fragile person beset with sadness) Both, however, help me to chuckle or even laugh, which everyone knows is ‘the best medicine.” I also hear myself say what I wish my parental units had told me when I was young. Then there are the sleep stories and music.  Many mediation applications play calming sounds (lullabies and sleep stories (my favorite is “The Velveteen Rabbit).   The best one I've found so far is the "Calm" app - good for any cell phone.

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"The Velveteen Rabbit." Photo: Wikipedia.

But, hands down, the most soothing activity I’ve found to muddle through the existential void is praying to my Higher Power.  Meditation is also a great source of peace and comfort.  Someone once told me that “prayer is when we talk to God and meditation is when God talks to us.”  Again apps, such as "Calm" and "Insight Timer" are good to assist in helping one get into the habit of mindfulness.  Ten or twenty minutes a day spent in mindful concentration will go a long way in keeping one on this side of the abyss.  

So, I’ve shared some very practical things that I find to be helpful when I’m in the “slough of despond” and not wanting to do anything.  I offer them merely as suggestions and maybe one or two will be helpful. 
Oh, and there’s one more thing that helps. When I wake up and feel the weight of a ten- ton truck on my chest, I cajole myself into grabbing a bag of carrots and head up the street to the neighbor’s barn. Elton John, waits for me, knowing I come with a treat.  Elton is a grey gelding who loves to roll in the mud.  I give him a carrot and he listens to me with a mysterious but engaging silence. He’s the best therapist I’ve ever had and the only one yet to convince me that I am not alone.*
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*In case of emergency, if there are no horses around, may I suggest a horse vacation- one in which you literally "vacate" your current life situation on the back of a horse as you gallop through exciting landscapes in exotic locations around the globe. (One organization that arranges these unique outings is "Active Riding Trips"  For more info, visit their website:  ActiveRidingTrips.com.)
**And in case resources do not permit for such a vacation, hoof your way down to the nearest toy store and pick up a few Breyer horses and make up your own vacation. 
                                                                                 
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© 2019 Kristen Skedgell. All rights reserved. Photo illustrations used for educational purposes only.

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